If you missed part one, be sure to catch up before reading on.
God moved our family just as we brought our first child into the world, which was probably the biggest amount of change that we experienced since being married at one time, that we experienced since being married. So here we are in an entirely new city and I decided to stay home. In accepting this new position I no longer had to do home daycare, I was able to stay home and just focus on being a mother.
Every ounce of me wanted to be a stay at home mom, but not one bit of me knew how hard that transition was going to be. Leaving a job that I loved was so hard, than moving just added on to the emotional roller coaster I felt during all this change.
No matter how much of me wanted to be a stay at home mom, it didn’t make that transition as easy as I would have thought. Going from working all day to staying home all day is an incredibly lonely environment. There aren’t people coming in and out all day to offer you company, there aren’t people to stop and talk to on your lunch break, and it’s just you and a very needy infant. You continue on endless repeat of the same tasks day to day – nurse, change, naps, clean, repeat. The cycle never ends. There are not goals for you to reach, deadlines for you to meet, people to tell you you’re doing a great job, bosses to offer you encouragement, it’s just you and a baby that can’t say thank you.
Then winter comes and you have to stay inside even more. The sun isn’t shining through the windows. It’s cold and your mood can feel much like the weather does outside. You had those days too when you worked, the days that you just felt slower than usual. Those days seems longer and even lonelier when you seem to be taking them in alone at home.
This transition was incredibly hard for me. As much as I loved being home with my son and as much as I knew it was the best place for me to be, it was the hardest. I had never felt so lonely as I did in those moments, in those first few months. I just wanted to feel like I was accomplishing something. I wanted to know that I was making a difference. I wanted to know I was reaching goals or completing deadlines. I wanted that sense of achievement. I wanted that sense of community. I felt so bad for feeling this way, I felt so alone in my thoughts, it just caused me to wonder even more if I had misheard God and that maybe I wasn’t cut out for being a stay at home mom.
Then I did what I should have done from the start and I reached out to someone and told her how hard it was. To my surprise she responded back saying she had totally been there and felt everything I was feeling at that very moment. Staying home with kids is lonely. Staying home with kids can feel like you’re never accomplishing anything. You can’t always see the difference day to day like you can when you stand back and look over the last few months. There aren’t measurable accomplishments in front of you everyday (unless you count that the kids are still alive). Staying home, no matter how much you know it’s the best place for you to be, and how much you wanted for that possibility, it is really hard.
You may think, this is what I asked for so I shouldn’t be having such a hard time. You may think, I know this is the place for me without a doubt, so there should be no reason this is hard. I thought those things too. Here is what I learned this year though, being at home is a great place to be. Pouring into those kids, raising those children up in the way that God is calling you to, that is a very godly place to be. When you are home raising those kids, the enemy isn’t too happy about that. He doesn’t want you at home. The enemy does not want you mothering those children, so you know what he does? He makes you feel isolated. He makes you feel like you aren’t accomplishing anything. He makes you feel like this isn’t the right place for you. Why? Because he knows that it is the best place for you. So it’s time that you step up and speak life over yourself in those moments that you feel like you aren’t cut out for this. You look around you to build community. You sing worship over your household. You stand tall and know that you may not see anything today, but one day you will know that where you spent you day is exactly where you needed to be.